A Brief History of a Time Traveler

Schol-R-LEA was born, or rather was not born, in Alpha Complex some time in the 26th or perhaps 27th century, or maybe earlier or later. Like all Citizens, his first clone emerged into the world from a Growth Vat at approximately the physical age of five. While growing up in the Junior Citizens Area of sector LEA, he came to realise that no matter how much he tried, he just couldn't love his buddy, the Computer, a fact he worked hard at hiding.

Fortunately, he had a tremendous advantage, in the form of a very peculiar mutant power he came to call 'Mostly Harmless'. No matter how outrageous his actions were, it was almost impossible to see him as a threat; as a result, he rarely received much punishment, and was almost never threatened by the various secret societies that infested the Complex.

Eventually, his restlessness led him to join, and abandon, several of these societies. Here too his mutant power helped; when he left one of the usually paranoid societies, he was simply not worth the trouble to liquidate, they thought. Many continued to act as if he were still a member, passing important secrets and valuable equipment on to him almost by accident. True, when he finally joined the Finaglists, a tiny splinter group unknown to the Complex at large, his first clone was killed in an attack by the Illuminati; but life went on, or at least his memories did. Schol-R-LEA;2 managed to escape such a fate, but found one equally unfortunate.

Schol-R had, you see, a fondness for certain types of behavior that was normally prevented by the hormone suppressants. He was a regular client at some of the Free Enterprise establishments that provided hormone replacement therapy and all that went with it, and on one such nightcycle he was swept up in an IntSec raid. Dragged before the terminal, he used his mutant power while pleading his case to the Computer; but the severity of the crime was too much. While he escaped termination, he was sentenced to an equally certain death - test subject in an R&D lab.

They assured him, of course, that it was perfectly safe. They just needed a human subject for the new time machine, to see how far into the future they could go and return. He was providing the Computer with much needed reconnaissance, you see.

The rest is nothing but a blur. He recalls entering a laboratory of - something - which reacted to his intrusion violently. Somehow, his mental essence was sent back in time - without his body.

He originally came to rest in the time-stream in 1955, in the body of a young Japanese girl named Rumiko. When she began talking in an unknown language and behaving oddly, her family took her to several prominent psychiatrists, eventually going to Switzerland for help. There s/he encountered the being known as 'Bob', and a fellow time traveler called Lieutenant Wilkes. At some point, his spirit was again yanked away, this time to the year 1992 in the city of New Haven.

It is hard to say why Schol-R-LEA and Jay Osako merged the way they did. Some have suggessted that they both have the same birthday (Oct 24th, or MalaDay in the Discordian Calendar), but this raises more questions than it answers. The fact that Jay had just entered the Last Church may also have something to do with it. After over a decade, it remains a mystery.

Shortly after the Merging, the leadership of the Last Church of Finagle Coalition, engaged in a sort of summit meeting, was attacked and liquidated by parties unknown. Through a series of events and manipulations which he only vaguely recalls, Jay/Schol-R-LEA rose to the position of First Speaker, the nominal leader of not only his sect but of the Coalition as a whole. Jay is still recovering from the shock of it all.

Since March 1995, Jay/Schol-R has (have?) been living in Berkeley, California. He claims to frequently visit his ducal holdings in the asteroid belt via Flying Spoon, an assertion that even his fellow Finaglists consider a sign of mental collapse. Among his titles are:

First Speaker of the Last Church Coalition;

High Speaker of the Last Eristic Church of Finagle and Holy Bisexuality;

Grandmasturbator of the Gordian Society, a group dedicated to spreading lies and innuendo about the Discordian, SubGenius and Finaglist religions, and stealing or defacing Gideon Bibles whenever possible;

Episkopos Anti-Pope of the Dr Benway Lives for Your Sins Cabal;

Dishonorary Secretariat of the Johnny Von Nuemann Memorial Floating Poker Game Cabal;

Master of General Tribulation;

Chairbeing of the USENET Poltergeist Anti-Defamation League, a notional group that existed in response to the claim, "bisexuals are the poltergeists of USENET";

Deacon of the Paratheoanametamystickhood of Eris Esoteric;

Public First Class in the Erisian Liberation Front;

Justified Ancient of MuuMuu;

Duke of the Neptunian Leading Trojan Asteroids and Protector of Texlahoma;

Chief Erisian Officer, Texlahoman Pet Rock Cartel;

Knight of Raoul;

Knight of the Circular Object;

Keeper of the Gymbag of Holding, a powerful Atlantean relic which, when the Keeper reaches into it, can disgorge virtually any object that will fit through its opening; in the past this has included a folding starcraft, a Rune Sword, various types of pistols and blasters, a horde of pink and blue bunny rabbits, a ladle (see above), vitamin supplements for an unknown alien species, cookie dough ice cream, and innumerable textbooks on esoteric subjects. It is actually in the form of a knapsack at present, but is showing signs of mutating form again Real Soon Now.

Last modified on 56 Beauracracy, YOLD 3170 (2 October 2004 e.v.)