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This is the untraditional Discordian ceremony. The chaos of the ceremony reflects the chaos of maried life to come.
Let us begin by introducing the victims. Let the groom step forward. [cue groom's march - The Imperial March was Peter's choice, but the stereo was on the fritz]
Well, quite a piece of work, isn't he? OK, Let the Bride step forward. [cue bride's march]
Very lovely young woman, yes indeed. [pause]
Wait a minute! Your a woman?
Tanya : Yes.
Schol-R: And your a man?
Peter : Of course.
Schol-R : That's simply...I'm appalled, folks. This is clearly a symptom of the decay of our society. Oh, well, I suppose we have to be progressive about these things.
At this point, it is traditional to include a sermon on the subject of love, and caring, and how they make us do stupid things like this. However, because I was too lazy to write one, I shall instead play this inspirational substitute sermon :
[cue substitute sermon - offhand, I don't remeber what we sang, but oh well]
Well, that certainly summed up what we're here for.
I can see that the lovely couple is for some reason rather impatient to get on with things, so I'll skip straight to the section know, appropriately enough, as the commitment.
Brethren and cistern [pause for everyone to get joke], is there anyone prepared to stop these two from making a terrible mistake?
[if anyone raises their hand, say] Well, no one does, so lets continue.
[if no one does] No one? Well, its seems the two of you are outta luck.
Tanya, do you swear that you are a human being, and not a cabbage or something?
T: I'm afraid so.
S:Too bad. Peter, are you a human being, and not a cabbage?
P: Sadly, I am.
S: My condolences.
[lift wine bottle] In this world where anything that can go wrong, will, only in sharing can we bear the Pain of the World. [opens bottle and passes to T]
T: [accepts bottle] Pain shared is pain lessened. We will share the pain to come [drinks, passes bottle to P]
S: In this world where all hands are raised against each other, only togetherness can bring joy.
P: [accepts bottle] Joy shared is joy increased. We shall share the joy to come. [drinks]
S: [accepts bottle, drains it] Peter, do you promise to love Tanya for the rest of your life?
P: I do.
S: Tanya, do you promise to love Peter for the rest of his life?
T: I do.
S: In the name of Eris and the Prophet Murphy, by the power invested in by the state of intoxication, I pronounce you mistress and slave. You may kiss each other in some place which won't lead to you being arrested for public licentiousness.
[cue exit march]